Sunday, August 13, 2006
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM
i have a boyfriend or soon to be ex boyfriend whom i love a lot, but unfortunately, he somehow shows that he doesn't really love me anymore. either its just my thought, or im not wrong all this while .
i dont wanna mention the past anymore, cause it hurts to even mention it again .
but what hurts me now is, what actually happened yesterday .
yeah . i broke up with him , it wasnt really my choice, but i just needed to, haihs
den yesterday, i went over to his hse . and listen to what he told me and all . honestly, i dont wanna break his heart, i just dont understand how he can stand breaking my heart last time . or even now . so i accepted him back .
ive given him everything i could just to hang on to this relationship, but he just seem to be cold to me each day . from what i see through my eyes, he was just using me . i feel so used right now, but i have no one to tell to, i cant tell him , cause if i do, he'll be pissed for not believing him . see . he doesnt listen to what my heart wants . or what my heart feels . i feel like, im a fucking playdoll to him . why am i so stupid ?
why didnt i think before doing something ? why i KEEP falling for himm ? i cant go through this . honestly, im not asking him to be prefect, i just want him to treat me nicer will do . don be so cold . haihs . do what a boyfriend is suppose to do ? okay . fine . maybe u don't know how to be one , learn . thats what i did either . i learned how to be a good girlfriend either right ? why cant u do the same for me ? isnt it so obvious that u just want me when u cant have me ? = /
i give up noel , i do . i cant bare the pain uve caused again and again and again . u have to learn how to show someone that u actually really appreciate them . not just through texts or even words. when u say something . mean it . don't just say it for the sake of saying it . i hate it whenever u do that . i hate my life right now . i hate everything i need to go through now . i hate this chapter . i really do . i wish i could just skip to another topic . i wanna let all this go . but i cant . i'm afraid i might dwell over this = /
when can he ever learn his mistakes nor lessons ??i'm very very disappointed in u . i really am . but i cant seem to do much . cause everything i do now, is pointless . this is torturing . i regret everything i did . i should have thought that u will never change to a better boyfriend . it was the biggest mistake i ever did in my entire life . haih . i know theres no point complaining now, but at least, i finally saw the true colour of noel .
can someone please make this pain go over? i cant eat nor sleep these days . i feel very very weak . i need ur support . which u will never give . haih . i'm lost .
i know, u might think that why didnt i listen to my friends advice and all . that's because i followed what my heart told me to do . i wanted to prove to u that i didnt wanna listen to what my friends want . instead i listened to what I want . but i guess . i was wrong again .
i really hope, ill just sleep, have a nice dream , and never ever wake up again . to face my life . id rather let it all go . id rather go to hell than to go through this . love does hurt . a lot . especially to me .
you'll never understand noel , cause ur different than i am . u dont know how is it like to be me ? be who i am and what i am . i feel so cold, i wanna be who i used to be = / i dont wanna be who i am now . cause im not happy at all .
and yes, u turned me down so badly
-lixian-
7:43 PM
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