Thursday, October 26, 2006

Read no further if you're tired of ridiculous self-pity posts like this.

Anthea told me I seemed upset today.I promptly responded by telling her I was just tired.But that was just partly true.

I pictured the days after pmr to be more joyous.But instead,everything is just blunt.Karma is hitting back at me;what goes around comes around.

There's this disturbing feeling inside of me that feels like I'm a burden to everyone,especially to those I care about the most.Everywhere I go,I have this piercing feeling that I'm unwanted,like my presence agitates or burdens them in someway.Maybe its just me,but those whom I care about have suddenly turned touchy-sensitive or just not in their usual disposition;Xixi,kiki,my boyfriend,my sister,my mother,Jian Hao,even the moth.& because of these assumptions,my conscience carries their burden along with me.Leaving me with restless nights.

Nobodys perfect,perhaps.But thats just a sorry excuse.I know I'm not that likable.I'm selfish.I'm pretentious.I'm hypocritical.I'm mendacious.I go overboard with things just so I can get my way regardless of others feelings.I'm ugly inside and out.I know.but I don't know how to fix all these flaws.I don't know where to start.How contradictive.Thing is,I'm afraid of change.The process of trying to cope seems too difficult,I'm stuck in this bubble of content and misery.Doesn't make sense does it.

I've been disappointing everyone my entire life.I can't remember a single moment in my life where someone was actually proud of me.I've learned to face the fact that whatever I do,isn't good enough.I'm a failure academically.I'm a failure as a daughter,sister,friend & girlfriend.My future is a blur.I believe I have lived by the moto of ignorance is bliss.I close my eyes to whatever that I refuse to accept,ignoring the consequences that are to come.

At home,I'm looked upon as the irresponsible monotoned self-absorbed rebellious brat.They constantly tell me they are convinced I don't care about them,that all I care about is myself.No matter what I say,they'll never understand or even believe how I feel.Even my boyfriend thinks I don't care about him,he actually feels used.I never intended all this.

My friends are the only people that truly matter to me right now.& now it seems as if I'm driving them away with my messed up attitude.I feel like I'm slowly being segragated by all of them.I rarely keep to my words,I rarely admit my wrongs,I rarely treat them the way they deserve to be treated.Things have changed.I remember treating my friends to RM2o++ Nasi Lemak at Dome's,but now I can barely afford my own expenses.I remember telling my friends I'd hang out with them after the exams and actually keeping my words,but now my friends can predict when I am about to ffk them.Everything is easier said than done.

I never think before I speak or act.I'm stuck in this hole I've dug for myself.& now everythings a mess.I don't usually drag others down with me,but I really had to vent it out.Sorry.

12:47 AM

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Friday, October 20, 2006

Hmm..I`m in the mood for a colorful post..Heee

So yesterday ming chun called me out to yamcha. and of all places..we went to the curve. boring place..unless you want drinks and food and blablabla. then i remembered that trina and anthea were starting work that day. so off we went to Baskin Robbins! and so we found the 2 newbies trying to get the hang of scooping ice cream for royal highnesses like me. =D

there goes trina doing her thing!
go girl..don`t la so lembik!...KIDDING LA.
want some customer feedback?
um..the ice cream was yummy and i loved it but not as much as mint chocolate chip...
and i love yoooouuu! haha...

and there she goes..still struggling to scoop a decent sized lump of expresso ice cream for me.
you know i love you right, nana? and you're awesome and all..
but i still want free ice cream! dumdeedum

in the meantime, some other worker there was showing anthea how to make the sorbet drinks and blablabla. and as usual, antheaaa was cool as cucumber. :)

Baskin Robbin`s prettttyyy ice cream serving workers.
don`t forget to give some business la!
okay now baskin robbins can pay me for publicity... :P

after ice creeeaaaam i watched John Tucker Must Die with ming chun.
i liked the part where his hormones go haywire and he starts with lines like
"I feel crappy and my nipples hurt. Everything`s ME, ME, ME! What about MY feelings?! boohoohoo"
I laughed my butt off.
and now i have this brilliant idea of buying a friend Spongebob THONGS instead of the Spongebob boxers. Pros: More flexibility and support. haha...

oh yeah. we bumped into rhema, candice, audrey and michelle outside Italiannesse. i think they had some lunch/tea/dinner thingy there. i haven`t hung out with rhema for a looooong looooong time. so it was great seeing her and the girls there!

a Kodak moment with the Shugar Princess!

10:01 PM

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

tuesday.
mom picked xixi up and then we both met up with nana, anthea, wei sheng, nicholas and jlo in the fair grounds.

it was really REALLY empty..like ghost town empty. not exactly the funfair scene one would picture. that totally sucked out my enthusiasm. i expected tinkly fair music, cheery funfair crowd and lots of noise..but..apparently not. oh well..

so after standing around for ages deciding who goes on wat ride...nana and i picked the vortex!
that was one hell of an adrenaline rush!! we were flung great for releasing geram y`know? all that screaming at the top of our lungs while being flung around 360 degrees in mid-air..yah i`d give anything to do that everyday. of course tat would probably give me a heart attack or a seizure later on..but..undulge in the moment eh! the rest of the bunch could hear our shrieks from down below.

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" "MAAHAAAAAAAAAAAIII!!"

idiots, we are. =D

vortex yay!

after we ditzies got off the vortex, the rest took on this swing thingy thing.
xixi jabbered in her kiddy-sounding voice each time she passed by and all jlo could blurt out was
"O-M-GEEE! don`t sit outsiiiide weyyhhh!!"

anthea was still cool as cucumber...like simply floating through the air or something. hahaha.

haha..flying people!

electrifying lights..

watching them "fly" just made us dizzier than "flying" ourselves.
so we took pictures. :P

then we sat on the challenger which is some gigantic swing thingy that goes side to side and spins round and round at the same time. it went 90 degees to the ground once or twice and xixi somehow imagined it went upside down.
what am i gonna do about you, Lim Lixian? ;)
they played cool ass "feng tau" music and eminem`s tracks.
and jlo syok syok singing along while trina had all the time to stick her head out from behind the bar thingy and shout "HI KIKII" so i went "HIII TRIIINAAA". xixi couldn`t hear nuts from my side but i said" HI XIXII" anyways. well, now you know. hahaha...
there were these two guys sitting opposite us. they had absolutely no reaction. no screams, no laughs. what a waste of a ride. what happened to fredom of expression??? tsk.
um yah so...the other rides were just tragicly boring. lacking the oomphed of funfairs abroad. haih.

after that ride, everyone went kinda broke. so anthea and the other guys ciao-ed, jlo went home. jeslyn joined us but we just sat on the curb and stoned. we all didn`t hv much to spare to go on any other rides with jes so we just...went back to ou! and had dinner in osc. the cups they serve mineral water with are in really bad shape. they`re chipped all over and dirty looking.
um..yeah..ew.
oh yeah! ah pin, ben and cosmo were there too. i got bullied in foos thanks to my non-existent foosball skills. sorry, ben!

hi ben.
ben`s wearing cosmo`s HUUUGE glasses!

jeffrey showed up with a really disgusting looking tattoo wound. kinda bleeding and infected. poor guy. the tatt woulda been really nice if it weren`t for that crap oozing out of his skin.
okay, this keyboard is really pissingg me off...and i`m gettin lazy..
so after that it was goodbyes and hugs and home ~~tweet~~ home.
yeah. okay bye.heh.

kiki OUT!

10:27 PM

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Last night,I was informed that someone I care for had fallen into depression.Not the usual emo over something trivial,but a real clinical conditioned break down.I messaged her later that night,asking how she is,but all she could tell me was how dejected she felt,how she wanted to die,how her friends disappeared after they found out about her illness,how she literally lies in bed the entire day not wanting to do anything;She wishes she could,but theres no willpower or enthusiasm left in her to do anything.How shes given up on life.

And just today,I called her up to check on her again,She told me I could never understand how she feels 'cause I've never experienced it.After she said that,I thought there was no point in me asking her similar annoying questions of "but why's" and "why don't you"s.Some things are just too complex for me to contemplate.Being the idiot I am,my defensive wall of denial came up,I started telling her lame jokes Jlo had been feeding me,pretending nothings wrong.I just didn't know what to do,I wanted to hear just a lil' spec of happiness from her.What happens to her greatly affects my well-being.And,I don't know what to do.

This actually hit me abruptly,I never imagined this to happen to a person like her.Sure,her life was as messed up as mine,I would've been emotionally exhausted and probably commited suicide if I went through what she did,but I always looked up to her as the unassailable judiciously stoic misdemeanour she is,I envied how independant she was,how she managed to dodge almost everything life throws at her.I don't think I'd be where I am now without her guidance all this while.I never expected this.I never expected the person who I've grown up with to give up on..everything.

I guess everyone has their limits.And she had reached hers.I wish I could help her now like how she helped me when I was sliding downhill.But I'm much too inadequate to handle a situation like this,or anything else infact.God knows what she's dealing with right now.I couldn't help but feel useless,I laid awake last night,tears came bursting out after hours of disturbing thoughts came streaming through.Yea,crying doesn't solve anything,I know.As my father has told me my entire life,I'm weak.Gosh,I don't know why I'm feeling self pity.I should be supporting her right now.But what if things get out of hand,I'd shut her out,like when my mother was going through depression.I'm like a traumatized puppy hiding in a closet,afraid to come out.It scares me.

Haih,someone needs to smack me senseless.

-Nana.

8:39 PM

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The countdown box died out a few days ago,and yet there was no new post.We have an explanation or 2;firstly,Kiki's computer is on a strike from far too much abusive labour & we can't get any pictures.and second,we've been away from the keyboard or rather just lazy to blog.As usual,being the most lifeless one in the libo's,shall post again.

Pmr was finally over...5 days ago.I am most definitely ending up in arts.bloody hell.Anyway,after pmr,we were suppose to go penang,but we had no greens so screwed that;then we were suppose to go genting,but we still had no greens,so screwed that too.In the end,we decided to stayover at kiki's.no greens required.

Friday,6.10.06 - After the last paper,we met up at 1u to watch the devil wears prada with wan ruuu & antheeyaa.I spilled wan ru's coke,I didn't mean to,I bought her a new one but she didn't want it.I'm sorry,wan ru.Anne Hathaway is hot.Christian Thompson is gay.The clothes were unique,especially the ones on Emily.I thought it was halloween already.All in all,the movie was entertaining.I'm not gonna bother to read the book though.After the movie,wan ru went off with genna to whereever.& we went to starbucks to meet up with wei ian and friends.continued on to the bowling alley joined by jeremy,ming chun & jessica.Got bullied by lixian at foos.Grr.Played a lil pool.Saw a whole bunch of cempakans.freaky shit.Never knew they hung out.Haha.gosh,I'm mean.Anyway,Jlo came not long after.& after all my whining about getting pancakes,I never got my pancakes in the end.What a waste of hissy fits.Well,we went up to neway to check for any vacant jobs and thats when we saw Momo kor daytona-ing.Neway's uniform is hideous,nobody deserves to wear those things to work,its inhumane.

We carried on with yet another movie,Rob-b-hood.Coincidentally,boyfriend,ah gan & natalie were in the same movie.I never got to watch the ending,thanks to jian hao and my bladder.While kiki,xixi,lolo and momo were inside enjoying the ending,I was outside with jian hao getting him a cab to hartamas while holding my bladder.Xixi came out saying "oh my god.I thought they were gonna die,but they didn't." others were nodding with agreement.I was lost in space,goddamn.OH.& I saw matthew and matthiew.Its been ages since I've seen matthew,not much has changed,hes just a lil' chubbier.Matthiew is still a big headed bitch.I hope he somehow reads that.

We adjourned to the curve,sat at baskin robbins having heart to heart talk.Saw may yi and hwee ching walking across & chitchatted for awhile untill May Yi's mama came to fetch them home.Jlo returned soon after,and so we went laundry,The jamaican waiter was cool.We ordered a flaming lamborghini first,it was prettty.I want moreee.then then,we had lemon drop.I want flaming lamborghini.I want I want I want.

This is May yi,shes known as Machi for some reason.Shes pretty,so is her phone.
Its 4am,I'm not making sense.

After that,we were broke.Kiki's Alex took us to breakers,Xixi was busy foosing.Kiki & I wanted more alco.and with Jack&coke,our names were engraved on the wooden tables above.*Theres no catch to it.Kiki & I couldn't tolerate not doing anything so we played a round of pool with Alex.We sucked.So we went to the wannabe-club/bar area,laid on the comfy white bedchair things..and camwhored. alot.

Just A Lil' Glimpse of our boredom.

The Before's.

Kiki + Jack&Coke + Nana

+ Fluffy Wuffy Pillows

+ Extreme boredom

= ......

Someone told me red is horny.Right Lolo?

Insanity is our high.

We swear we're nice.

Cheeky Kiki.I lavvvv youuuu. =)

Peek-a-boo.

Two asses,1 skirt.

The work of Miss Lim.

Xixi is a vampire.Do not allow yourself to be one of her victims. =) Anyway,after that,someone suggested going to the abandoned and supposedly haunted house in bangsar and so we did.Along with koon sheng,lazaroo & others,we drove around bangsar trying to find the house,but ended up calling ley vin for directions,Alex said it was a bad idea for us to go in since we couldn't find the house at first attempt.The sitm boys came and showed us the way,turns out we just missed a junction before that,so anyway,us girls didn't go in,whereas Lazaroo,mun yoong and such brought their lanterns and went in.Came out,nothing.I still didn't get a chance to go in.pfft.Not that I'd have enough pussy to anyway,I think.

Yeesh,I'm getting lazy.Long story short,We had fun.There were times our attitudes got on each others nerves,but in the end,we emphatize & pulled things through.Kiki,xixi,I love you.Hi wan ru,I love you.Hi boyfriend,I know you're reading this,I love you too.I sound so gay.

I'll continue next time since this post is so darn long already.Well,to me it is.

Loves. Nana.

3:01 AM

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Thursday, October 26, 2006

12:47 AM

Friday, October 20, 2006

10:01 PM

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

10:27 PM

8:39 PM

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

3:01 AM

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