Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Last night,I was informed that someone I care for had fallen into depression.Not the usual emo over something trivial,but a real clinical conditioned break down.I messaged her later that night,asking how she is,but all she could tell me was how dejected she felt,how she wanted to die,how her friends disappeared after they found out about her illness,how she literally lies in bed the entire day not wanting to do anything;She wishes she could,but theres no willpower or enthusiasm left in her to do anything.How shes given up on life.
And just today,I called her up to check on her again,She told me I could never understand how she feels 'cause I've never experienced it.After she said that,I thought there was no point in me asking her similar annoying questions of "but why's" and "why don't you"s.Some things are just too complex for me to contemplate.Being the idiot I am,my defensive wall of denial came up,I started telling her lame jokes Jlo had been feeding me,pretending nothings wrong.I just didn't know what to do,I wanted to hear just a lil' spec of happiness from her.What happens to her greatly affects my well-being.And,I don't know what to do.
This actually hit me abruptly,I never imagined this to happen to a person like her.Sure,her life was as messed up as mine,I would've been emotionally exhausted and probably commited suicide if I went through what she did,but I always looked up to her as the unassailable judiciously stoic misdemeanour she is,I envied how independant she was,how she managed to dodge almost everything life throws at her.I don't think I'd be where I am now without her guidance all this while.I never expected this.I never expected the person who I've grown up with to give up on..everything.
I guess everyone has their limits.And she had reached hers.I wish I could help her now like how she helped me when I was sliding downhill.But I'm much too inadequate to handle a situation like this,or anything else infact.God knows what she's dealing with right now.I couldn't help but feel useless,I laid awake last night,tears came bursting out after hours of disturbing thoughts came streaming through.Yea,crying doesn't solve anything,I know.As my father has told me my entire life,I'm weak.Gosh,I don't know why I'm feeling self pity.I should be supporting her right now.But what if things get out of hand,I'd shut her out,like when my mother was going through depression.I'm like a traumatized puppy hiding in a closet,afraid to come out.It scares me.
Haih,someone needs to smack me senseless.
-Nana.
8:39 PM
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