Thursday, October 26, 2006
Read no further if you're tired of ridiculous self-pity posts like this.
Anthea told me I seemed upset today.I promptly responded by telling her I was just tired.But that was just partly true.
I pictured the days after pmr to be more joyous.But instead,everything is just blunt.Karma is hitting back at me;what goes around comes around.
There's this disturbing feeling inside of me that feels like I'm a burden to everyone,especially to those I care about the most.Everywhere I go,I have this piercing feeling that I'm unwanted,like my presence agitates or burdens them in someway.Maybe its just me,but those whom I care about have suddenly turned touchy-sensitive or just not in their usual disposition;Xixi,kiki,my boyfriend,my sister,my mother,Jian Hao,even the moth.& because of these assumptions,my conscience carries their burden along with me.Leaving me with restless nights.
Nobodys perfect,perhaps.But thats just a sorry excuse.I know I'm not that likable.I'm selfish.I'm pretentious.I'm hypocritical.I'm mendacious.I go overboard with things just so I can get my way regardless of others feelings.I'm ugly inside and out.I know.but I don't know how to fix all these flaws.I don't know where to start.How contradictive.Thing is,I'm afraid of change.The process of trying to cope seems too difficult,I'm stuck in this bubble of content and misery.Doesn't make sense does it.
I've been disappointing everyone my entire life.I can't remember a single moment in my life where someone was actually proud of me.I've learned to face the fact that whatever I do,isn't good enough.I'm a failure academically.I'm a failure as a daughter,sister,friend & girlfriend.My future is a blur.I believe I have lived by the moto of ignorance is bliss.I close my eyes to whatever that I refuse to accept,ignoring the consequences that are to come.
At home,I'm looked upon as the irresponsible monotoned self-absorbed rebellious brat.They constantly tell me they are convinced I don't care about them,that all I care about is myself.No matter what I say,they'll never understand or even believe how I feel.Even my boyfriend thinks I don't care about him,he actually feels used.I never intended all this.
My friends are the only people that truly matter to me right now.& now it seems as if I'm driving them away with my messed up attitude.I feel like I'm slowly being segragated by all of them.I rarely keep to my words,I rarely admit my wrongs,I rarely treat them the way they deserve to be treated.Things have changed.I remember treating my friends to RM2o++ Nasi Lemak at Dome's,but now I can barely afford my own expenses.I remember telling my friends I'd hang out with them after the exams and actually keeping my words,but now my friends can predict when I am about to ffk them.Everything is easier said than done.
I never think before I speak or act.I'm stuck in this hole I've dug for myself.& now everythings a mess.I don't usually drag others down with me,but I really had to vent it out.Sorry.
12:47 AM
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